The countdown begins, but not the countdown to the New Year. The countdown to how many more days until you can finally breathe again. Until all the chaos and joy that Christmas brings dies down. Until you can finally not have to look into the faces of families smiling and laughing as they look at twinkling Christmas lights. Until the sharp pang in your chest returns to it's normal throb. The countdown to when Christmas ends begins.
You've lost. Lost what you loved the most. Your family has been decimated. Laughter no longer fills the halls in your home. Anguish and grief fill the void where love used to live. Each breath breathed hurts just a little bit more than the last. Pasting on your fake smile may fool some, but the pain still glimmers in your eyes. Withered and exhausted the countdown begins.
Blinded by the lights and peppermint coffee, the world rushes on around you. Nobody slows down for even a second to notice the tear running down your cheek. For a holiday that is about compassion and love, you feel little of its compassionate arms. The joy that is exuding from everyone around you makes you wonder why you feel the way you do. The countdown to quieter days begins.
Praying that somebody will pause just for a second to lift you from your downward spiral. A hug, a smile, a knowing look, acknowledgement is all you want. The knowledge that there are peaceful days ahead. Days far from the heartache you feel now as you stare into the flickering Christmas tree lights. Your soul longs for relief, for something other than the past that seems to be taking over your love of Christmas. Screaming; hoping for somebody to hear your cry, the countdown continues.
Fellow friend, I hear you. I hear the cracking of your heart. I hear the sobs stopped up inside you. I hear your shudders of pain. I hear you; now hear me. Good will come, it may not be exactly what you expect, but it will come. Look out for it. It comes in many forms. The sharp stabs of pain eventually become sporadic throbs instead. Caring people do exist, don't push them out. Search yourself, grow, learn. You can chose to become a better person through the tears and heartbreak. Breathe and let the countdown come to an end.
