The Countdown (A Poem for the Broken-hearted)

The countdown begins, but not the countdown to the New Year. The countdown to how many more days until you can finally breathe again. Until all the chaos and joy that Christmas brings dies down. Until you can finally not have to look into the faces of families smiling and laughing as they look at twinkling Christmas lights. Until the sharp pang in your chest returns to it's normal throb. The countdown to when Christmas ends begins.

You've lost. Lost what you loved the most. Your family has been decimated. Laughter no longer fills the halls in your home. Anguish and grief fill the void where love used to live. Each breath breathed hurts just a little bit more than the last. Pasting on your fake smile may fool some, but the pain still glimmers in your eyes. Withered and exhausted the countdown begins.

Blinded by the lights and peppermint coffee, the world rushes on around you. Nobody slows down for even a second to notice the tear running down your cheek. For a holiday that is about compassion and love, you feel little of its compassionate arms. The joy that is exuding from everyone around you makes you wonder why you feel the way you do. The countdown to quieter days begins.

Praying that somebody will pause just for a second to lift you from your downward spiral. A hug, a smile, a knowing look, acknowledgement is all you want. The knowledge that there are peaceful days ahead. Days far from the heartache you feel now as you stare into the flickering Christmas tree lights. Your soul longs for relief, for something other than the past that seems to be taking over your love of Christmas. Screaming; hoping for somebody to hear your cry, the countdown continues. 

Fellow friend, I hear you. I hear the cracking of your heart. I hear the sobs stopped up inside you. I hear your shudders of pain. I hear you; now hear me. Good will come, it may not be exactly what you expect, but it will come. Look out for it. It comes in many forms. The sharp stabs of pain eventually become sporadic throbs instead. Caring people do exist, don't push them out. Search yourself, grow, learn. You can chose to become a better person through the tears and heartbreak. Breathe and let the countdown come to an end.  

 

   

Car Discrimination

I have a 1991 Toyota Corolla and I LOVE my car. I have noticed though that quite a few people do not like my beautiful baby. There is no logical reason for this, so here goes my car discrimination rant.... 

I know my car does not look like this anymore.

But it sure as heck does not look like this..

And I promise you it doesn't smell like or do this!

For a reason that I cannot even comprehend, people treat my car like it came from car hell itself. People look at the little patch of rust on the side, hear it pick up speed, notice that it was most definitely not built in the 2000's, and what do they do?? They pick up speed and pass my precious Toyota, like they think that their cars are sooo much better since they have a big fat car payment to pay each month. 

I once did an experiment to see if it was me or the car. When driving my car at the speed limit people will pass me, if I drove between 5 and 10mph over the speed limit people will STILL speed up and pass my piece of "crap." I then took my dads much nicer Toyota Camry out for the same test. While driving the speed limit people generally passed me but not every car; pretty normal. If I sped nobody passed me. Maybe one or two true speed demons, but not anything like what happens when I am driving my car. 

Let me show you that all this passing and discriminating is completely absurd! Ok so I may not have a shiny coat of paint, automatic locks, a panic button, or even automatic windows but, I do have some things that are even better.

For most people they have a handy dandy little box (picture above on the left), I hear that it can unlock your car with one simple little push of a button. I also hear that it can make your car go crazy with loud noises, honking and blinking lights......it's called a panic button. I am so blessed to have a car that does not have such panic attacks. My car is calm and simple with one key that unlocks the doors and the other one that starts the car. 

Automatic windows....if I wanted to roll down my driver side window with the system shown on the left I would probably lock and unlock my doors a few times, adjust my mirrors on accident, roll down every other window in the car and than FINALLY find the right button that would roll down my own window. By that time I might be in the ditch somewhere so I would probably not even bother ever rolling down my windows...what a sad day that would be. Thankfully I have one little crank on my door...just one. It rolls down MY window....(big sigh).....so simple and calm. Plus unlike most people I get a workout when rolling down my window! Yah that's what I thought. Be jealous.

My car not only has all the cool gadgets it also has the ability to teach a person responsibility. You see if you leave your keys in your nice fancy car it probably dings at you and won't let you lock the door. Or maybe you never have to bother turning your lights on and off. While this all may seem like a convenience, you're missing out on a lot. I have been stranded for 4 hours with a friend because I conveniently locked my keys in my car. We had a great day and made some awesome memories. I also learned my lesson though and always check for my keys now. Since I grew up with "old" cars, I have learned from a young age to always check to make sure my lights are off, so luckily for me my car's battery has never died.

How many of you have walked out of a store and thought, 'Oh crap, where the heck did I park my car??' Nope I don't know how you feel. Never have I had to wander around a parking lot for hours on end looking into every car window wondering if that is my air freshener hanging off the rearview mirror or not. I don't even have to know what row I am parked in. I step out of the store scan and start walking towards my beautiful car. 

Alright and this last point is for all those single people who think that having a newer car is going to capture the attention of those around you. I also did an experiment for this one after a day of getting whistled at, yelled at about how great my crappy car is, and being followed another day. While driving my dad's car on the other hand I got nothing. With the windows down and some music one can get a little tiny bit more attention. This is my theory though, most people notice the "crappy" cars and then you obviously want to know who the redneck is driving it. So they look at the driver and when it is not what they were expecting, but somebody totally unashamedly driving their baby, they notice.

So, for those of you out there driving their car for attention I urge you to DOWN grade. The only exception to this rule is if you are driving a beautiful jeep or a manly pick-up truck. (Yes there are sissy pick-ups, but we won't go into that rant right now.)

The cars that you think are "old" and "crappy" are generally the ones that get and give the most love, have the best gas mileage, last longer, attracts the most attention, yah you get the idea. My car is most likely better than yours. Now that you understand the beauty of "junk" cars, stop discriminating. Stop passing us just, because you think your car should be able to go faster than mine. Stop bullying them by telling them that they are pieces of crap. We understand that you are just jealous and scared of the quality of our cars, but it needs to stop. Every car deserves an equal chance in the car world!  

The Despised Word

I haven't been able to decide if the despised word is siblings or humility. Most of us have at least one sibling, if not more. Generally we grow up with these people and we share a huge parts of our lives with them, but we tend to have roller-coaster relationships with them. The interesting thing about sibling relationships is that these are the one relationships in life that you never decide to have. You never chose to have a sibling or siblings, you never thought; one those people would be great to grow up with. Nope they were just given. In most cases we don't have the option to get rid of our sibling relationships, so what we do with those relationships is up to us. 

I have two younger brothers, I would say that compared to allot of siblings we have a good relationship, but like all other siblings we do have roller-coaster rides. No other person has ever gotten on my nerves as badly as my brothers can, no other person has made me cry as much, laugh as much, or scream as much.  Although we do fight allot, I have learned quite a bit from my brothers. Patience, true love, trust, and compassion, just to name a few. Something that they have been teaching me over the past couple of weeks is humility. 

This seems like such a funny thing for a 10 and 13 year old to be teaching me; since most kids have only one thing on their minds....themselves. As I was watching my brothers beat each other up the other day for the dumbest reason, I thought here we go again. As one crumpled to the ground in tears, I walked in, and the accusing began. I continually ask them the same question after all of this goes down. Why do you have to be so selfish and mean to each-other?! 

After I did this for the 50th time in one day I sat back and thought to myself, why do I have to be so selfish and mean to them? Although I may not beat them up or scream at them like they do to each-other, I say little rude things to them, I shrug away an unwanted hug, I boss them around, and point out all of their short comings. Why do I have to be so selfish and mean to them? Because they can be annoying or rude to me? Because they won't listen? No because, I want my interests and needs to come before my annoying little brothers. I get an attitude of, I am older and the things that I want are and should be more important than the dumb things that young boys like to do or talk about. 

When I am doing things for others outside of me and my brothers relationship, it is much easier to practice humility. It's still not the easiest thing in the whole world because, we still do like our needs to come first but, it is generally much easier to serve others as long as they are not our siblings. Part of this may come from the fact that other people compliment us on our great acts of humility, or from the fact that we feel good about ourselves for helping others or because we simply enjoy helping others.  Although all this is wonderful; are we really full of humility if we can't even sacrifice ourselves for our own siblings? 

I can already hear people saying: "Uh Laura these are my siblings we are talking about! They are the most self-centered, annoying, and undeserving people ever. And you think that I should show them humility and love?!" YES! I have come to realize that if I want to be a truly humble person I can't just pick and chose who I want to show humility to. It doesn't matter if I get recognition for being kind to my brothers, it doesn't matter if they don't deserve is, it doesn't matter if they continue to be frustrating and bothersome, nothing matters. 

Because I do serve the person who continually shows me humility even though He is 100x better than me, I should be able to humble myself in His strength and serve those precious brats of mine even though most of me may not want to. If we want to be humble people we will first chose to be humble to those who are least deserving in our eyes, no matter what. Why? Because we want to show Christ's love and humility to all people....even our siblings. 

"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!"

 Psalms 133:1

"This I command you, that you love one another." John 15:17

What's Your Motivation?

 Every Sunday morning thousands of people around America go to church and sit in a pew because, there is some unspoken rule that going to church on Sunday morning will save you. This unspoken rule is despised by most of the people that sit through an hour long "lecture" each week. As they walk out of the church building they let out a sigh of relief; they now get to go on doing whatever it is that they feel like doing. 

In most peoples mind the word Christianity triggers thoughts of judgmental, self-righteous and legalistic people. Although this thought is perpetuated by Christians who are all the above; these thoughts mainly come from the "Christians" who just want an excuse to justify all of their actions that they know deep down are wrong. These people go around saying things like, "Ugh you wouldn't believe how judgmental so and so is; it's a good thing God's love lets me do whatever makes me feel good." 

What these people and people all over the world don't understand is that God, is not JUST a judge, or JUST loving, or JUST compassionate, or JUST sovereign. He is all of these, plus millions of things more put all together. As human beings we have this tendency to pick and chose what we like and what makes us feel comfortable. We act like we have a choice to chose the characteristics of God that best suit us in the time and place we are in, in life. 

Nothing could be farther from the truth though, God has and always will be fully God. Instead of trying to adjust God to suit our needs we have the choice and free will to accept who God has and always will be. This means that we will stop putting God in a box. Instead of focusing on just one of His characteristics we will press into Him and explore all of His characteristics. The ones that seem to hurt, the ones that are beautiful, the one that don't  fit our expectations, and the ones that we can't always understand. 

Our whole view on the world will start to change if we are trusting and leaning on the full image of God. Instead of seeing His words as a set of rules that have to be followed on Sunday mornings or whenever it feels right, we see them as an act of worship to the Creator who gave each one of us such beautiful lives. When Christ came to earth we see Him not banishing the law but, fulfilling the law. We watch in awe as He perfectly follows every word that God set in place. Surprisingly though full filling the law did not mean that he went around with a little checklist showing everybody how amazing He was for not breaking any of the laws. In fact He gets frustrated with the people that thought this. (Luke 6:1-5, Mark 3:1-6, Matthew 23, Luke 7:36-50)

Jesus came to show us that we are imperfect and that we can't fulfill the law. It is literally humanly impossible to follow the law perfectly. He also showed us that the law isn't what we thought or think it is. It is not a set of rules that if you follow you get a little gold star that you can than go and show off to every single person, telling them how amazing you are. Jesus did not come to banish the law but, to show us what the law is meant for. 

In demonstrating to us that the law was there to show us that we are imperfect and need a perfect savior, Jesus also raised the bar for us as Christians. Instead of focusing on a set of rules and regulations, He looks at us as intimately and focuses on our heart, or motivation. When we accept His invitation to live free from rules and regulations that bog us down each day we are given the opportunity to live in Christ's perfection. We no longer have to worry about following the rules to a T or being judged by those who do. Now we are focused on our motivation, which is to love Jesus. 

Instead of asking questions like: "Is this right?" Ask "Is this going to benefit those around me?" Instead of asking: "Is it wrong to say this?" Ask "Would this show others love." Instead of asking: "Can I get away with this?" Ask: "Is this beneficial to me or those around me?" Instead of focusing on the "rules" of Christianity we should be focused on a way of living. If we decide to let the only person who selflessly loves us and has our best interest at heart, with no strings attached, into our lives we will begin to truly live a free life.

Instead of letting our motivation be ourselves, money, peoples approval, work, or any number of things, we will let our love for Christ become our motivation. We will not be judgmental Christians, we will not be prideful Christians, we will not be justifying Christians, we will not be legalistic Christians; we will be Jesus Christians.  

 

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And when the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell-and great was its fall." -Matthew 7:24-27

Respect

Something that has been exceptionally close to my heart is the slave trade that is going on today. I have learned and studied the slave trade until my whole soul just wants to scream, shout, and destroy the injustice in our world today. Recently though I have begun to study the perpetrator(s), not simply just the victims of the perpetrator(s). The question of; what makes a person so evil, that they could destroy a persons whole life so violently, had been floating around in my head and I needed answers. After plenty of research. I found many many reason for what drives a person to do that kind of evil. I found the core motivation in every single case was self service. It always starts with a need to serve themselves.

I took this theory of self service and started looking at it in less dramatic situations of day to day living. Every single human being is born with sin, which means we are all perpetrators. We have all done things that hurt other human beings. In our culture and cultures all over the world today we are told that if we are not happy we can and must do anything and everything to gain happiness. If our "needs" and "wants" are not getting met, we can simply just forget about everybody else's best interests and do whatever it takes to "complete" or "free" ourselves.

The other day I was driving home from work and I noticed a truck behind me without their lights on, in the dark down pouring rainstorm and I thought some people are idiots. Next thing you know the guy sped up and started driving parallel with my car. I sighed and thought ok some guys are simply over the top. I than noticed that he had his window down and was shouting at me to roll mine down. I rolled mine down a crack, there was no way I was going to get drenched because some guy was being a ridiculous. He then proceeded to yell at me that there was something wrong with my car and that he could help me fix it if I just pulled over at the next grocery store. I rolled my window up, kept driving, and watched as he pulled into the grocery store parking lot. I stopped at the next gas station to double check my car. I didn't expect to find anything out of the ordinary and of course there was nothing wrong with it. As I climbed back into my car sopping wet and now completely angry, I started crying. Not because I was scared or shook up but, because I knew he never wanted to help me he simply wanted to help himself. I cried because, I knew that some girls would be tricked. I cried because, I hate injustice. I cried because, he devalues human life so greatly. I cried because, there are men and women like him all over. I cried because, I too sin and cause others to feel devalued and worthless.

At the very beginning of time we hear God say ALL men are created equal. We look back over the history of our nation, and see Abraham Lincoln fighting for this very thing. ALL men are created equal. Today we watch people fight for those trapped in the bonds of slavery, we watch and hear them say; ALL men are created equal. I believe that every single day, every single one of us needs to be reminded that ALL men are created equal. Every time we demand to be right, every time we decide we are more important, every time we seek to fulfill our needs and wants first, we are placing others in bondage. We are saying; "Sorry but, I believe that I am more important than you. I believe that you are not equal to my awesomeness." How can we fight for the freedom of those trapped in the slavery of our world today if we do not first practice what we preach when we say that; ALL men are created equal.

Of course we are not perfect and we do make mistakes, but if every day we woke up and decided to have an attitude of respect towards those around us; we can start freeing those around us from our prison of self service. We can say honestly that ALL men are created equal. If we work against what our culture is telling us we can begin to build a community of people who have started at the base of the issue. We have decided to learn to become selfless, respectful, patient, and free.

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is also disorder and every evil thing. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. James 4:16-17

Braided Inside-out Bun

Lots of people have asked me how I did this inside out braided bun and I am finally getting around to putting up the tutorial! Enjoy!
                    1)

1) All you need is a hair tie, three clear hair ties, and approximately six bobby pins.
                     2)

2) Put your hair into a ponytail in the middle of your head.
                   3)

3) Make a hole in your ponytail above your hair tie
                     4)

4) And flip the ponytail through the hole.
                   5)

5) That way you have a flipped ponytail.
                 6)

6) Split the ponytail into three equal parts.
                   7)

7) Begin braiding each of the three parts and secure with a clear hair tie at the end.
                  8)

8) Now you should have your three sections braided into three braids.
                 9)  

9) Now take the first braid and tuck the end into the top of the ponytail and secure with a bobby pin.
               10)

10) Do this for the second and third braids as well.
                11)

11) Secure any extra fly-aways and random ends sticking out with your remaining bobby pins
                 12)

12) Spray with hairspray and your done!

DIY Lace Headband

My newest obsession has been lace headbands but, whenever I see them at the store they are usually pretty expensive. Which nobody likes! Next thing you know I was taking matters into my own hands. There was no way I was going to spend $20 dollars for something that I knew I could probably do myself. Here's what I did. 

All you need is a shirt or tank top with the lace on the bottom. Most people have them on hand already. I got mine last year at a second hand store for like $2. I never wore it though. Also my shirt was green with cream lace but, you can do any color. 

You will also need a hot glue gun and scissors. 

To start out cut the seam on one side all the way to the armpit. Next carefully cut the lace off of the bottom. After that cut a four inch wide piece off of the tank or shirt. You should now have a long piece of lace and a long four inch wide piece of the shirt. 

Take your shirt piece and put it around your head to measure it to fit your head. If it is stretchy material cut it two inches shorter than the width of your head so that when you wear your headband it doesn't fall off. If it is not as stretchy just take one inch off. 

Now you should have you shirt cut perfectly for your head. Now this is where you get to play with it. I didn't want my headband to be four inches wide so I put the lace closer together and than cut the extra fabric away. But like I said have fun with this part. I first taped my shirt piece down to the table measured my lace to match the length of the shirt and cut it. Next I hot glued the lace to the top edge of the headband. I than took the second piece of lace I had and hot glued it right under the previous piece. Trimmed off the all the extra fabric so that everything was neat and than just got glued the two ends together. TADA! 

Boldly and Courageously Speaking. The Truth (Part 3)

As human beings we love love love acceptance. We tend search out other people to gain acceptance or shut down if we are not getting the acceptance that we need. A few years back we had a foster baby in our home. Her name was Destiny Rose. At only six months old she had a detachment disorder. This meant that she hated being held and she would rather be alone than around all of us. Six months into her life and she already doesn't feel accepted and thinks she never will be accepted. Thankfully when a baby has this disorder you can "cure" them. But it is a difficult thing to do. I will never forget the long evenings listening to Destiny scream and flail as my mom spent hours just holding and rocking her. This is one way people react to being unaccepted. Hiding.

Another way, which I believe is a little more common, is when people chase after acceptance. Sometime we call these people desperate or needy. They are easily hurt and offended but, tend to go after every little piece of attention they can get.  These people preform, change, accept, and hide themselves for "acceptance" and "love." It's what they live for. Normally this isn't 100% their fault. They most likely have acceptance problems from when they have been denied or hurt by someone they care(d) about.

Both of these ways lead to destruction in the end and in many different forms but, the one I am going to camp on is when we break and blow up at a person. Not just any person though. The person (or people) we go to, to fulfill our acceptance needs. When we step foot into these relationships there is an idea that this person is perfect. Or that they have reached a high enough score on your checklist that they are somebody who you can rely on wholly and completely. Sadly enough every time we do this to a person it's not fair to us or them. Why? We are all imperfect! We are all going to make mistake. We are all going to mess up. We are all going to sin.

If you have an idea of how you think the person you are being accepted by should act and than all of a sudden they slip up and do something that hurts you, what do you do? This is where courageously speaking needs and should come into play. But we are in this relationship for the acceptance right? So lets just let it slide just this once. I mean we all make mistakes right?! Second chance for that person. No need to say anything. Wrong!

I have watched this time and time again. People get hurt by somebody, don't say anything, and guess what happens? The person they have been hurt by usually does it again and again and again. This can go on for years. Until finally you snap. You tell that person what a terrible horrible person they are. You finally tell them that they have hurt you a million times over. You blow up. After the major blow up there may be a quick, let's try and fix this. It hardly ever works though because, after years of simmering you have all that hurt and pain. Years of hurt, takes years to fix. Most people aren't that patient. So they move right along to the next person.

Do you see this vicious cycle? Eventually you will end up being a bitter and angry person. You may simply just close yourself off, just like Destiny. Let's back up a few years though. The person you are gaining your acceptance from hurts you. The first thing that many people have to realize is that they can't gain 100% acceptance from a person. You just can't. People are going to hurt you and you are going to hurt others. Simple fact. The second most important thing is, instead of letting that nick fester into a full on wound, put on a band-aid. Confront. Tell the person straight up. What you did hurt(s) me. Two things could happen here. One that person hates you and leaves the relationship. At least you now know that the person didn't truly care about you. Number two (and this one tends to happen more often.) That person is thankful and repentant because, you told them. They will want to know what they can do to change so that you guys can be in a healthy relationship once again.

If we don't speak up right away when somebody hurts us, we are in the wrong as well. Think about it. If you wait years and years and than all of a sudden blow up. The person that you are angry at probably doesn't even know they were hurting you in the first place. It's honestly not fair to them at all. You are lying to them. If we don't speak up and we just bury how we feel when things like that happen we are simply lying to them by not telling them whats really going on. And of course we are also lying to ourselves. Telling ourselves lies about how things will get better with time.

So if you don't want to end up being a bitter person that just holes up inside and never believes that their is acceptance and love. Go right ahead. But if you do that you will never find peace. There is healing. We were going to adopt Destiny up until the tragic court hearing when they told us that she would go back to live with her nineteen year old mother. The last night we had Destiny I can never erase from my mind. I remember my mom, tears streaming down her face as she held her little baby in her arms and rocked her to sleep in 30 minutes or less. There was no screaming, no kicking, no fighting, just peace as she drifted off to sleep knowing that she was loved and accepted.


"It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. And yet for this reason I found mercy, in order that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience, as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:15-16

Boldly and Courageously Speaking. The Fight (Part 2)

Forgiveness. This is one intricate word that I have been trying to wrap my brain around for quite some time. Growing up I was told to forgive and forget. For most of my life I thought that I was a terrible person for not being able to forget some of the terrible deeds people had done to me. In turn I would feel guilty because, I could never master the act of forgiving.

It was actually this past year, after a roller coaster ride of events that I learned the true definition of forgiveness. I learned it as I was going to see a new councilor after moving down here to Georgia. I wasn't to thrilled to be going because, I personally don't genuinely like councilors. This one though knew exactly what she was doing. After spilling my angry and frustrated guts one day, I asked her how I was ever supposed to forgive the people that hurt me if I could never forget what they did to me.

She asked me one question. "Why do you think that you have to forget?" It had never once in my entire life crossed my mind that I would not have to forget. This was a revolutionary thought. She than went on to say that forgiving people means that we don't expect them to do anything for us. We don't expect them to apologize. We don't expect them to "make it up" in any way. We just let them and their problems go. This also means that we have to let go of the hurt and pain that they caused. Which is not something that just miraculously happens over night. It takes time and forgiving that person again and again. I asked her if I would ever be able to think about what people had done to me without my heart feeling like it was going to suffocate. She told me that yes someday I would be able to look back on my wound with no pain. As long as I truly am letting go of what that person/people did to wrong me. (This is one of the hardest things to do. It is possible though)

What does all this forgiveness stuff have to do with speaking boldly though? We all want/need acceptance. One thing that I have done plenty of, is stuff all my emotions and the things that people did to create those emotions down inside of me. Why? So that I could have a relationship with the people that hurt me. I love these people and I wanted acceptance from these people. I just hid myself so that these people would love and accept me back. It was than that I realized I wasn't happy with myself and my grudge against these people was growing. It was then that it hit me, part of forgiving them was to move past their little world. And part of moving past their little world was telling them why I was moving on.

It is not at all fair to a person when you just drop them right out of your life. There are still ex-friends of mine that I have no idea why we are not friends anymore. Part of it was probably because, they were to afraid to tell me why they didn't want to be my friend. Speaking up against or to people who have belittled us and swept us under the rug is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. But it is forgiveness. Saying, I forgive you, but I don't agree with you because of x y and z, is freeing, not only to yourself but to the person/people you are talking to. That way they know either why you are not going to talk to them anymore or what you stand for and what you are going to continue to stand for even if they don't like it.

Lets quickly jump back to the story of Peter. We find him having a very bad night of fishing a few days after his friend Jesus had died. In the dawn light, as Peter and his friends are drawing nearer to the shore, a man on the beach yells to them to put their fishing nets on the other side of the boat because that's where all the fish are. Now I fish and if we haven't caught anything after a couple of hours it's pretty much just a sign that we probably aren't going to be catching anything for the rest of the day. But Peter and his friends have been out all night and have caught nothing at all; all I can figure is that they must have been so lost in their grief they just had nothing better to do. Next thing you know they threw their nets out of their boat on the opposite side. Well it didn't take very long before their net was so heavy with fish they were struggling to bring it into the boat. There is a moment while they are all there trying to haul this monster catch into the boat when Peter's friend John mutters, "It's the Lord!" Upon hearing this Peter jumps into the sea and swims to shore.

Upon making it to the beach he realizes that Jesus had in fact risen from the dead. Peter and Jesus eat breakfast together and while they are doing this Jesus asks Peter three times over, "Do you love me?" Each time Peter feels guilty and upset as he says, "Yes of course I do." Finally Jesus smiles and said, "Tend to my people." In this instant Peter knows he is forgiven. He knows he is trusted again. And he knows he is accepted. For Jesus to ask Peter this could not have been easy. To tell somebody that you forgive them after they have denied you three times over takes a ton of boldness and courage.

Oh and for the record the phrase forgive and forget only applies to God.

Boldly and Courageously Speaking. The Issue (Part 1)

Glossophobia is the issue, when it comes to speaking up to people or in front of people. Statistically 75% of people have glossophobia. Thankfully this actually isn't a permanent problem. It's just a choice.

Why do this many people have a fear of speaking up? Fear. Fear of what others will feel, think, do, or say because of what you stood up and said. When I was 4 years old my dad taught me the verse Hosea 6:3. We had all these magnificent motions to go along with the words. I loved saying this verse for my parents because, they would clap and cheer for me. One Sunday morning my dad was talking about this verse. Spontaneously he asked me, a little doe eyed 4 year old to come up and say my verse in front of 100 people. Having never said it to anybody but, my parents I was terrified. I remember staring into blank stares as I slowly with allot of help from my dad, said the simple 4 little lines. 

Starting at age 4 I was learning how to conquer the fear of speaking up. I moved through school being 100% fine with speaking in front of and to people. I was part of a speech competition where I moved to the finals. I went on missions trips where you have to speak to lots of people with lots of language barriers. Growing up as a pastors daughter meant that I would meet all kinds of people who I would have to be able to speak to without any fear. I was in plays. I had interviews. I had jobs. I'm not going to lie and say that I was never nervous but, once I started talking all of that disappeared and I would remember why I wasn't afraid to speak. Of course at age 4 my mom did get a little upset with my dad for making me speak in front of lots of people and I got an apology. Although now I am totally glad that I was given that experience at age 4 instead of age 9 or 10. 

This past year I lost allot of things. Friends, family, home, jobs, sports, school. Pretty much everything that matters to a person was gone in one short summer. With the loss of everything came the fear of everything. Most of these fears have been replaced with peace now that I have had time to work through them. The other day I caught myself being afraid of speaking my mind. I realized that I don't want to lose anything that I have gained back. I started looking through my past year and realized that I have hidden parts of me that are important to me for the sake of acceptance and the feeling of comfort. 

I realized that once again my issue was fear. So I asked myself what's the worst that could happen, if I spoke about what is truly important to me? I realized my fear wasn't completely irrational. I could quite possibly lose friends, family, jobs, etc. I quickly asked myself another question. What will happen if I don't speak up about what is truly important to me? More fear, guilt, desperation, confidence issues. The list could go on and on and on. 

So like the homeschooled freak I am I talked to myself and told myself that I better figure out what I needed to do to fix this issue. There is a story about two men. One is the Ruler and Creator of everything and the other is an extremely close friend of his. The Creator tells his friend that he is going to die for him and that he is doing it out of love. His close friends gets frustrated and tells him no way is that happening, he would much rather die in his place. I can just see the Creator (Jesus) smirk at his friend (Peter) as he says. "Really?! You would die in my place?!" Since of course he knows everything I can just hear the pain as he tells Peter this. "Well guess what, you will not even acknowledge that you know me 3 times before tomorrow morning." He tells Peter this as they are eating dinner together. 

I honestly don't know how I would feel if my best friend told me that she was going to die for me because, she loved me so much and than the next thing she tells me is that I am going to deny our friendship not once but 3 times over for my own selfish sake. That would be painful. I know part of me would get this smart alec response going. I would probably take it as a bet and say something like. "Yah right. I bet I can make it till tomorrow morning without just completely dissing you once!" 

Sadly enough 5 chapters later in John 18 Peter completely denies Jesus 3 times over. He tells the people he is with that he doesn't even know the man. Peter is filled with shame and regret. He just denied that he even knew his closest friend. His friend that was about to go die for him. Why did he do it? He did it because, he was afraid for his own life, he wanted acceptance, he was grieving. There were allot of things stacked up against him. Why do we do it? I bet I could come up with a hundred excuses for why I don't speak my mind about hundreds of different issues. Excuses don't get us anywhere though because, we all always have a choice about everything that we do.

Plus there is this great thing called forgiveness....

Homeschooled Freak

When I first started this post I was going to write silly and sarcastic things about homeschooling. Which is all good and well in its place but, I have decided to write about more important things about us normal homeschooled freaks. (Because although there are the homeschoolers that give us a bad name, there are also many many many homeschoolers that live completely normal lives.) So for you normal homeschoolers this is for you and to all you who are not or have never been homeschooled please listen up.

Most people have a weird outlook on homeschoolers. One that I seriously do not understand all the time. Some people have the idea that homeschoolers have hardly any homework, that we are super duper smart, that we are goody two-shoes, and that we have no life. Now most of the time this outlook on homeschoolers doesn't bother me I'll laugh at your stupid jokes about homeschoolers, I'll even make jokes with you. You have got to realize though that everything needs to be done in moderation. Let me show you why.

I have gone to a "normal" school for about half of my schooling years so please realize I do know what I am talking about. After 7th grade the teachers at the high school I was going to go to where not the best teachers. My mom and dad knew that they could teach better so we talked it over and decided that my high school years would be done at home. In the right place homeschooling is a beautiful thing. When both parents are able to be involved; you get personal teachers plus the freedom to do many other things. For example when I started my high school years I joined the ski team for my local high school and I also got myself a job. When people made jokes about me being homeschooled we would just laugh about it, because we all knew it was completely absurd. In that scenario the jokes weren't as harsh. My junior year lots happened. My life pretty much fell apart. My parents split up, I moved to a state where I literally knew nobody, I gave up my job, and ski team. My schooling was forgotten and my grades shot to the ground. People still made jokes about my schooling but, this time it actually hurt me, because for once they were actually right. I did have no life and I was heartbroken. I had two friends who although they had never been homeschooled, cared enough to call me and help me realize that although school seemed pointless at the time I was going to have to buckle down and teach myself. I am very thankful to these people because, I really don't think I would have made it through my junior year otherwise.

That is my highschool history with homeschooling and I know every person and scenario is different but, the jokes are the same and when they are used constantly it can wear a person down. One of the frustrating things to me is when people tell me I have got it easy because, man their school is tough. At least I don't have the stress of going to a "real" high school. O.K. Now I understand that your high school is tough and stressful. I really do. But at least you have teachers who TEACH. I don't care if they are terrible teachers and you don't understand what they are teaching. I know that in a school you can ALWAYS get help from someone if you really wanted to. Have you ever had to teach yourself every single class? I don't think people realize how stressful that can be. It takes allot of discipline to sit down and teach yourself a subject. You can't always just read a book and magically understand. Sometimes you have to research for hours until you understand something. It's not as easy as 1-2-3. I still have homework just like you; I don't just sit on my butt at home all day and do nothing like everybody seems to think I do. So yah go ahead and make your jokes about how I do nothing I'll laugh with you as long as you are able to ask how my school is really coming along. Or do you want to come study with me? Do you need help with anything?  If you are not able to realize that, than just stop "joking." Cus after awhile it's hurtful not funny.

Another thing that seems to get diminished is a homeschoolers accomplishments. I have a 3.9 GPA. I am extremely proud of that. Now lots of people would laugh and say something like: "Those homeschoolers, always get good grades because of their parents." This is completely and utterly NOT true. I worked my butt of for that GPA. It actually seems to me to be worse when your parents grade your papers and tests because, you will be sitting there eating lunch and your mom will start grading tests.....let me tell you scariest moment of your life..haha Yes I have failed tests before. Yes I have gotten the lecture from my parents about how I need to get my grades up. Yes I stay up late studying. I never cheated my way through highschool and I wish people would say congratulations instead of oh yah its cus you are homeschooled. If I went to a public school my GPA would be the same. Yes it may be true that homeschoolers get better grades but, I think part of it is because, it takes allot of discipline to be homeschooled. Not because we know where mom and dad keep the answer books. We do apply ourselves and we do have to work for our grades.

When homeschooling is done correctly the homeschooler ends up having plenty for "normal" friends. Sometimes even more friends than "normal" people. One thing that helped me in MN was most of my friends knew me before I was homeschooled and if I met them while I was homeschooled it was usually in a context where there was a whole group of us and everybody knew I wasn't some kind of circus freak. Since moving down here I am meeting new people and that ends up being one of the first things that people learn about me. It's completely stupid but, I end up having to break down walls of freakdom that people build up. It's like when they hear I am homeschooled they make a joke about it and build up this wall that tells me: "Wow ok sheltered little smarty pants. Who thinks she knows everything but, she actually doesn't cus she lives at home and knows nothing about the "real" world." Next thing you know I am discouraged and have to little by little take down this wall until they understand that I am actually not what they first thought I was. That I am a "normal" person. I'm not some caged animal. Yes your right I do sit at home and do school during the day. Do I miss the interaction with friends and family? Yes absolutely. I really hate being at my house allot of the time by myself. Does this make me sheltered? No it just means I don't have the same environment down here in Georgia that I did in Minnesota.

Allot of people have been focusing on the bullying going on at schools which, I know if a really big deal because, I have a brother that is dealing with it. But I also think that we should pay attention to the homeschooled freaks. Instead of constantly joking with them about their "sheltered" life and how they do nothing at all lets take the time to truly understand them. I wish I could graduate and say proudly without any embarrassment that I graduated a homeschooler. Due to the fact that their is a ton of stigmas on homeschoolers that is a hard thing to be able to say with pride. So please next time you meet a homeschooler don't make some joke until they know that you think what they are doing is something to be proud of not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Petty John's Cave

Petty John's Cave is one of the best places a human being can ever be in. It lets you be completely free. In every sense of the word. Free to climb,touch,run, and be completely stupid without people telling you that you are not allowed to do this and that. Free in the sense that it doesn't matter what you look like. Nothing matters but the thrill you get from climbing a mud covered rope 40 feet up or wiggling through holes and rocks just to see whats on the other side. It's a feeling that not very many people are willing to risk feeling. But those who are willing , truly know what it means to live life to the fullest.

Today was one of those amazing days. As I sit here writing this I am trying not to move due to the fact that almost every part of my body is bruised. Some would ask if looking and feeling like I got beat up is worth it and I would have to say......Heck yes!!! Let me start at the beginning and show you what I mean.

It's all about the thrill of doing things that push you to your limits and discovering things that hardly any people ever get to see. The ultimate goal for me and a bunch of others is to get to the discovery room. The discovery room is pretty much exactly what it implies....a discovery. Not very many people get to it due to the fact that it requires crazy amounts of stupidity to get there. But of course every time we go into the cave we go a little further and learn a little bit more so that someday soon we will get there.

Today we got to the echo room which was a room we had to learn how to get to so that ultimately we can get to the discovery room. Getting to this room requires a few things that I was not to pleased to have to do. After climbing down slippery rocks and ropes and going through some tight squeezes we made it to the worm tube. We have had quite a bit of rain lately so the cave water had risen quite a lot. Because of this the worm tube, which is a 100ft long tube that you have to lay flat on your belly and army crawl through, was filled with water. Now normally there is no water and crawling through it wouldn't have been a problem. But for some odd reason when a person has to lay down in a foot of muddy 50 degree water and swim/crawl through it with just their nose above the water it can be just a little nerve wracking. After starting and than backing right back out of the work tube I sat there at the entrance for a good 10min debating either facing my fear or just turning back with some of the others. I finally dove in, manned up, and made it through the tube with 2 others.

On the other side we found ourselves wet, slippery, and facing a 20 foot climb straight up a cliff of rocks with one muddy rope to haul ourselves up. When we finally made it up we were faced with a beautiful room called the echo room. It was a huge room with vaulted ceilings and an echoing sound affect. After climbing around for about an hour and a half looking for the exit to the next room we want to go to on our next trip we carved our names into the wall of the echo room and left to go back through the worm tube.

After another hour of struggling up rocks with our wet and slippery selves we finally met up with the rest of our group. And of course the light of day, which was a very beautiful sight after 6 hours in a dark cave. So no, I don't regret how I know I will feel tomorrow and no I do not regret being scared to death because, the thrill, adrenaline rush, pride and astonishment one gets from it is truly worth it!

And at the end of the day it makes me more confident in who I am and what this chick is made of. Which in my opinion is one of the best rewards to playing on God's jungle gym. Oh and I hear mud is good for the skin.....sooo I guess I got my adrenaline rush and beauty treatment done all in one shot.