Tragic Blindness

I come to you today with an issue that has been near and dear to my heart for awhile now. This issue of hatred seems to be a sensitive one in our society today. One that shouldn't be a problem, but sadly is. I've avoided writing about the subject simply because it's a hard one to comment on in our politically correct era. This topic that I wish to share about today is racism.

I grew up in a small town in northern Minnesota, that was mainly inhabited by Scandinavians. Although I was living in an essentially exclusive culture, we were raised with all sorts of diversity. My parents did not let us grow up naive like many others in our community. We learned about different people groups from all over the world. Learning meant trying their foods, discovering their religious beliefs, their history, their traditions, and never was it looked at as strange. It was merely normal. For the younger years of my life, the fact that some people are prejudice against differences never crossed my mind. In my world it was as simple as the fact that although the water in my bath and the ice cubes in my coke seemed different, they were the same substance. I grew up believing that there are differences and commonalities between every person, and those things aren't wrong or strange, they just are.

As we entered our reading years, my mom started introducing us to the cold existence of racism. I will never forget the first book I read about racism. I was about eight years old, and my world revolved around the American girl dolls and their stories. Each doll had a chapter book that told her story and the events unfolding in history during her time. I never got the dolls, but I was able to go to the library and borrow the books. After reading roughly thirty different stories only one is burned into my mind forever. Written in first person, the book was about an adolescent slave girl named Addie. My world became shaken; I couldn't believe that one human being could be so cruel to another human being. And to a little girl no less. My sleeping eyes were suddenly awakened by the glaring light. A light I couldn't turn off.

From then, all the way through high school, I read book after book. I started with our countries history with racism, then spread out across the globe, over years and years of generations and past events. This was an issue in the past that spanned through and touched thousands of lives and countries. I read novels, biographies, and history books, along with quite a few disheartening films. I was not blind to the injustices of our past. Then came the second most influential moment in my life related to this issue of discrimination.

During my teen years, my family did foster care, and every other weekend we had a set of African American two-year-old twin boys who came to stay with us. On one particular Saturday afternoon they seemed to have an extra bit of energy; consequently, we struggled to get shoes, jackets, and hats on but, finally we were prepared for the park. When we arrived, there were already two white mothers there with their children playing. We set the boys free, and the park became filled with laughter and little toddler introductions. Not even five minutes later the mothers looked up from their all-consuming conversation on the park bench and seemed to have a mini heart-attack. Quickly they jumped up and scrambled to gather their purses and children. Glaring at us, they hurried their protesting youngsters off to the minivans sitting in the parking lot.

The look of anger in my mother's eyes made the realization of what had just happened hit me hard. I had just witnessed first hand one human being treating another with utter disrespect for absolutely no reason. My next mission had just been brought to my attention. I needed to know how prevalent racism was in modern day America. Determined, I set to work. The results of my research were heartbreaking and maddening.

About five years after all of these revelations unfolded, I moved to the great ATL. Everything that I had read and learned about in my quiet little town, I was now living in and witnessing firsthand. The diversity in styles, beliefs, cultures, and races had me over the moon. Before moving to Atlanta, I had the opportunity to travel a lot, to experience bits and pieces of diversity. But, to be able to live in it full time was a freeing feeling. You'll quickly realize that when you live in a diverse area not only do you experience the greatness of it but, you also experience the heartbreak of it. As a white female many say that I don't personally experience the cruelty of racism, I'd beg to differ though.

The people that I care about, I care about because of who they are not because of the differences or commonalities between us. I love all these people dearly, and when anyone one of them gets hit hard in this battle of racism, it hits me hard too. When stereotypes get forced upon them, labeling them as something they're not, my anger starts to boil. When a child I babysit comes home crying because of something said in the lunch room, the tears run down my face as well. When I can walk around with no fear of the assumptions and corruption going on in our cities, but the person I'm walking with can't, I ache for justice and equality. I may not be the one getting the brunt of the injustices, but I do feel it very personally.

There are many different reasons why racism is still a looming problem in our country, but I'd like to take a moment to state one of the biggest. Here in America there is a majority, and there is a minority, and those of us who are in the majority have done a thing far worse than the vocal racists. I was waiting at the train station a few weekends ago when a young white man came and sat next to me. Our conversation took the typical route for first-time introductions. Two or three questions in he asked me where I was from. I stated that I was from Atlanta, GA and his eyes got really big. Lowering his voice, he leaned in a little closer and asked me if I was one of the only white people living down there. That right there is our problem, ignorance.

The majority of people know racism exists, but people also enjoy comfort zones and hate conviction. We'd rather hear the rescue stories of the poor puppies at the animal shelter; than the stories that reveal the corruption that is creeping around in our cities. I could sit here giving you statistic after statistic, story after story, reason after reason, just to convince and inform you of the extent of the epidemic. I'm not going to though because you have to want the information; you have to have a heart for the issue presently at hand. I'm not going to treat this problem how we treat every other problem in America. This isn't about animal cruelty, environmental friendliness, or the chemicals in our food. No, this is about HUMANS. Human rights. Human love. Human compassion. Human equality. If you're not going to have any compassion towards the relevance of racism without the statistics, graphs, and emotional videos neatly placed in front of you then you may be more racist than you think. I don't want to sit here and judge people, but I do want to encourage people to step outside the scope of their knowledge and explore. If you realize that yes, there is a serious issue at hand go, study the statistics, soak up the history, listen to the stories, allow your eyes to open so that a change may begin.

Ignorance is a dangerous source of injustice. Those who are openly racist rely on you not wanting to know the facts so that they can continue on in their exploitation. If nobody cares to know about what is going on in our backyards, then it's going to keep happening. I don't want that, and I'm getting tired of hearing uninformed and offensive questions. Let's come out from underneath our warm, comfortable blankets and face reality. There are generations coming up after us, and they are going to be watching. What do you want them to see?

Rethink

Our American culture adores drama and fights.

We cause trauma for others when we spit out uniformed opinions in spite.

All respect for humanity is lost in the heat of self conviction.

Why do we ignore the cost of taking pride in this friction?

We let our first world problems slide in-front of the worst injustices of all.

My news-feed is submersed in complaints and pointless rants.

That's not what we need, our priorities are full of tangled up knots.

So I plead with you, untangle those thoughts and connect the dots.

Look in the mirror and see how you really appear to the world around you.

Then take your conviction and use it to prevent real life affliction.

  

Expectation Vs Reality

In today's society the one thing we worship more than anything else is ourselves. Everything around us is based on what will make us happy. The ads you hear, the tv shows you watch, the music you listen to, it's all set on a platform of what will make us feel great. Everything that gets streamed into our lives screams a message that says if you don't feel good than you can and must do anything and everything that will make you feel happy again. This message looks like one of those fancy toys you used to drool over as a kid. Nothing could possibly be more fun or exciting than this toy. After much begging and a hundred pretty pleases the toy is finally yours. The brand new packaging is ripped off and that is when reality hits. Batteries not included. All expectations of what was in the package are crushed. You are once again at square one, unhappy and searching for the next best thing. 

Sadly this is how a majority of relationships work today. More often than not they end up being about one person yet the definition for relationship is: ' the way in which two or more people relate and connect, or the state of being connected.' That is what the word is supposed to mean yet in our culture today the definition looks more like this: ' the way in which one person uses another to try and make themselves feel complete.'  Over and over this destructive pattern continues. With each break up a seed of bitterness is planted and the expectation for what a relationship should be like rises.

Many couples will begin to see the flaws in their partner of a few months and the panic begins to set in. As expectations of who you thought that person was start to topple over so does the relationship. It starts with the little things. You thought for sure that they would always kiss you goodnight, than one night they don't. You thought that they loved the outdoors, but apparently they just said that to get you to like them. You expected an endless amount of patience from them, but for some odd reason they just got frustrated with you. You thought you were a perfect fit, yet it seems you don't agree on everything. With each broken expectation the relationship deteriorates until you are left wondering what happened and why this whole love relationship thing never seems to work out for you. 

Just as the child expects the brand new toy to work a certain way, we expect our relationships to work a certain way. For the 5 minute walk from the register to the car the child is in utter bliss. They have the thing that they have been coveting for oh so long. Before they are even buckled up the packaging is strewn across the backseat, and next thing you know the tears of utter disappointment start flowing. Frantically you pick up the pieces of packaging and try to read the torn up words that state that the toy needs eight AAA batteries that are not included with the toy.  Try consoling the pain of a child's broken expectations and you'll quickly realize it doesn't work out well at all. 

We are more like this child than we think though. Way to often we get caught up in the infatuation of a person. We like what we see, and jump right in. Before we have even had a chance to read the fine print of the package we've ripped it off and are sorely disappointed. We thought that this person had similar hobbies, we thought that this person would change for us, we thought that this person would make us complete. We blame all of our broken expectations on this person, we pretend that we never could have known who they really were, and than we simply give up on them.

If we rewound the scene of the screaming child all the way back to them staring at that lovely item in the toy aisle we could change the whole ending. The begging and coveting begins yet, a moment is taken to examine the toy. What does it need to function? Is it a piece of crap in a fancy box? Is it a rip off? Once these questions are answered a whole decision can than be made. When you get to the car now and the package is ripped off there are no surprises that will send the child into a fit of emotional chaos. 

That is how it should be when it comes to relationships as well. As the butterflies flit around in our stomachs and the eye contact becomes more frequent, we have to be able to lay aside the heat of the moment and look at the fine print. We all have expectations for what we want when it comes to relationships. These expectations are one of those things that can be really terrible or really great. Going into any relationship my eyes are wide open. I am going to take the time to read the fine print on the package before I ever dare opening it. I want to know who I am dealing with before I ever start a relationship with them. 

The first thing that I always try and figure out is common interests. I know it is said time and time again that opposites attract, but that only seems to work in select cases. I want to be with someone who thinks similarly to me. Someone who enjoys doing the same things that I do. Someone who has similar ambitions and goals that can relate to mine. Clearly we are not going to have share everything in common, but as long as there is a basic foundation of commonality that is what I am looking for. 

One of the most important things that I find needs to be observed is how they are by themselves. If a guy tells me that they can't live without me or that I am their better half, do not be surprised when I bail. When I am watching a guy that I am considering, I look out for some major red flags. The first one I look for is in conversations, when our likes and dislikes come up. If a guy is constantly agreeing with me on every little interest of mine it is blatantly clear that he is simply trying to impress me. I only want you if you are willing to be honest with me whether we like the same things or not. 

My next big warning sign that I listen out for is when an opinion comes up. If I see him constantly agreeing with others thoughts or simply not saying anything for fear of offending somebody, I run. I would rather see him defending and backing up his opinions, than tip toeing around those of others. It shows me that they are confident, strong individuals. They know who they are, what they believe in, and that they won't let others walk all over them.

My final red flag that I am looking out for in this category is their relationship history. I look and see how many people this person has dated, for how long did they date these people, how much time did they spend between each person, and currently do they seem to be desperately searching for a new relationship. The fewer amount of relationships the better, that tells me that they are loyal. The amount of time spent in each relationship tells me how committed they are. Lastly the amount of time that they spent between each person tells me how ok they are with being by themselves. 

The biggest thing that I watch out for though when I'm observing somebody is how performance based they are. This happens way to often. If you look it is probably the number one problem in most peoples relationships. This is a slippery slope, because everything is based off of selfish motives. The biggest thing for us all to realize is that we cannot say or do anything that will make somebody else feel or act a certain way and vice versa. A guy might bring a girl some flowers, because he see's she is having a bad day. Now if he is just simply bringing her flowers because he sees she is having a bad day and he cares about her that is great. On the other hand he could be bringing her flowers, because when she is having a bad day she is quicker to snap at him, which doesn't make him feel very good. Do you see what just happened? He did something to hopefully make her feel better so that in turn he can feel better. Later on she may still be having a rough day and when she snaps on him an argument will quickly arise. He'll say something like 'I brought you flowers today why are you mad at me?!' As you can easily see it is all done out of selfish motives. 

When I am observing a persons character, actions, and thoughts I am constantly scanning for this mentality. I look for the telltale signs. One of the main things that will tell you how performance based a person is, is how greatly they get sucked into their peers drama and emotions. If the person is constantly matching the feelings of those around them they are performance based. It's the classic peer pressure situation. 

Do they have a tit for tat mentality? This way of thinking is littered with expectations that are exhausting for both people. They will do something thoughtful for you and than expect that you do something for them in return. If you do something that hurts them they then expect you to make it up to them somehow. When an argument starts a long list of things that you did wrong gets pulled out. No matter what you do or say this person will never be happy with your performance, because sadly you're a human being that makes mistakes.

What you are looking for is somebody whose opinion about you is not based on your attitude, mood, thoughts, or actions. Someone who is not performance based is extremely loyal, caring, and selfless. And it is all because, no matter what you do it doesn't affect who they are. If you are having a rough day they may be sympathetic towards you because, they care about you but, it doesn't mean that they are all of a sudden going to have a bad day too. If you do something that hurts them they are quick to forgive and won't expect you to make it up to them, whether you chose to or not the expectation is not there. It creates a safe place for both people. There is no fear of messing up or not doing the right thing because, you know that no matter what that person still loves you.

This is how I read the fine print before jumping into something I may regret later. Clearly there are exceptions to some of these things but, in general this is what I think makes a relationship a healthy and lasting one. Some things you won't find out until you are in a relationship with a person and people do change, but way to many of us rush into things blindly without a seconds thought. Relationships are something that can't run on five easy steps or in one particular way. But when we take ourselves, our needs and our wants, out of the picture it creates a freedom that many people in relationships don't get to experience. A freedom that I sincerely wish more people could experience. 

 

Quetico Thoughts 4

* The next few blogs posts were written while I was in Quetico (a protected wilderness area in Canada). These are the thoughts and observations I made while there with my two brothers and dad. 

This is our last night here in Quetico. Thoughts and words that have been buzzing around in my head all week now elude me. After a week full of highly unexpected trials and triumphs, an unusual peace engulfs my mind and soul. Looking back it seems like I've been here for a month instead of just one week. In the time span of one little week I've experienced a broad spectrum of emotions from frustration and grief to joy and amazement. Limits were stretched, patience was tested, and buttons were pushed. Yet through all of it, who we are as individuals was solidified. Sometimes the real world with its constant and rapid moments is overwhelming. Taking a break from people, schedules, and the basic rhythm of life is quite essential at times. As you step outside of the bubble you call your life, things can become strikingly clear. This week my mind has roamed and sorted through many thoughts, issues, and ideas. Finally, after a week with many many hours spent with thoughts jumping and bouncing around inside, there's a stillness. This stillness is here in this wilderness every evening. As the water calms down and the loons start calling, the best sunset of the week set in all its majestic pinks and oranges. It is a strong and peaceful feeling that cannot be put into words. 

Quetico Thoughts 3

* The next few blogs posts were written while I was in Quetico (a protected wilderness area in Canada). These are the thoughts and observations I made while there with my two brothers and dad. 

Image. Everyone has one and it says a lot about you. Over the past week I haven't seen myself except for a brief period of time each morning when I use an itty bitty mirror to put in my contacts. It's really quite strange actually. You don't realize how often you actually see yourself each day until all the mirrors are taken away. In the store I work at there are mirrors everywhere you turn, every time I go to the bathroom I'm guaranteed a mirror, when I get in my car there are mirrors, I walk into my bedroom and there's another mirror. It doesn't matter if I want to see myself or not, I will. I've gone six days now without seeing myself. I've noticed this has its pros and cons.

 

There was a time while I was still living in Minnesota that I came across a magazine picture in which the model was wearing a pair of bright red skinny jeans. I loved how although the jeans were bright and childlike the model was able to make them look classy and mature. My hunt for the perfect pair of red skinny jeans began. I scoured store after store hoping for that perfect pair in my price range. Then, one day just a few days before my birthday my mom walked into the house with the most beautiful pair of fire truck red skinny jeans. Then came the real problem. How was I going to wear them? Duluth,MN is a different culture, more patterned and simple. The styles and trends are all very practical. Red jeans were far from practical. Every time I wore them somebody would make a comment on them or give me an odd look. Many mornings I would get up, plan an outfit with those beautiful red pants, but quickly change into my basic blue jeans before leaving the house. It was on one of these mornings as I sat in front of my mirror repeatedly putting on the red jeans and then putting on the blue jeans that I finally found courage. In frustration with myself I put on those red skinny jeans and stormed out of the house. I marched down the main street of our little neighborhood, legs clad in bright red material on my way to babysitting. As I marched I kept thinking to myself, “you enjoy this style and it doesn't matter what anyone else around here thinks”.

 

Those red skinny jeans have long since been outgrown, but what I learned from them has always stuck with me. We all have an image. Some are obsessed with their image, while some could care less. Some are confident with their image, while others hate theirs. Some copyothers, while some create their own. No matter who we are though we all have one. I don't think our image should be obsessed over, but I do think it is something that should be taken care of. An image can say a lot about who you are. Are you confident, respectful, hardworking, reserved, outgoing? What those red skinny jeans taught me was that my image is a reflection of who I am on a deeper level.

 

A lot of times our image is carried out by how we dress, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. The way we carry ourselves, our view on health, the way we smile, how we chose to eat, or the tone in which we speak to others, they all create an image of who we are. An image that should be cared about, but not obsessed over. Mirrors are good they show us exactly who we are. They show both the flaws and the features of ourselves. They show the image of us. Sometimes though we need to walk away from the mirror. We need to take pause and exam the heart of our image. Are we being irresponsible, or rude, or condescending? What is our image portraying to the world? Is it one that serves others or serves self? Is it one that breaks down or builds up? This week away from the mirror has been one of looking more closely at the heart of my actions. And when I get back to the mirror I hope to see an improved image in that mirror.    

Quetico Thoughts 2

* The next few blogs posts were written while I was in Quetico (a protected wilderness area in Canada). These are the thoughts and observations I made while there with my two brothers and dad. 

We all have strengths and weaknesses. Put to the test both will become blatantly obvious. Yesterday we canoed 27 miles. By the time we were coming back it was late and darkness had sunk in, enveloping the shore line. Although exhaustion had taken over our muscles and moods, that wasn't what was getting to me. No, the worst part was the fact that I had no idea where we were going. I had to trust that everyone else could decipher the blackened shoreline and get us back safely to our base camp. If I had known exactly where we were going nothing could have stopped me; not the wind, cold, darkness, or distance. When that chair of control gets pulled out from underneath me, my tendency is to become defeated and angry. Last nights adventure was simply a picture of what my struggle has been all week. At the beginning of the week I could hardly enjoy anything. All of a sudden I was placed inside an environment where you have little control over anything. If the weather turns sour, you can't just run inside. There is no inside. You have to be prepared for it, rain gear is thrown on, dry items are thrown into a tent or water proof bag, and loose items are secured. If someone gets injured, rushing them to the ER is not an option. There is no rushing around here. Are you thirsty and hungry? Well you're in luck! It's called a water pump and fishing pole. You best be prepared to work for your needs. Want to check in on somebody, make sure they're doing ok? Surprise! You simply can't.  It's called the wilderness for a reason you know. Out here every situation is out of your control. Any and every situation can change on a dime. I panicked a little bit. What ifs crept up and consumed my mind and actions. I just wanted to leave, escape back into the normal world where I seem to think I have everything under control. On our same crazy 27 mile trek yesterday, there was about a two hour period where we were catching fish one after the next. It was exactly how you would picture an ideal fishing spot. Rapids bubbling into the lake, calm clear water, and a sky full of sunshine. At one point I even caught 7 small mouth bass in a row. I realized something a littler later, I had a blast! I enjoyed a moment in a foreign environment with complete carefree abandonment. It was than that I realized if I was going to worry about people and situations in the real world that I can't do or know anything about, than I was not going to enjoy this trip at all. When talking about letting go of control, people assume that you're telling them to just trust that everything is going to be ok. That is so far from the truth! Everything may not be ok. That's life. In all actuality, control is a figment of our imagination. When you let go of this illusion your not saying "Life is all rainbows and butterflies". No, what you are saying is, "Life is crazy and I can't pin it down. I can't control the situations that arise in life.  I can only control how I react and respond to these situations". It's really quite simple when you break it down. I have no control over what the weather decides to do today, but I do have control over how I respond to the weather. I have no control over what's going on back at home, but I do have control over my thoughts and concerns, which means I can let my worry go. So today I'm choosing to enjoy this hammock swinging in a gentle breeze, overlooking a gorgeous lake with no civilization ruining the beauty, while daydreaming of showers and toilets.

Quetico Thoughts 1

* The next few blogs posts were written while I was in Quetico (a protected wilderness area in Canada). These are the thoughts and observations I made while there with my two brothers and dad. 

Before coming here into this wilderness, I was talking to someone about who we are as people. We swapped observations we had each made about each other. I began to think about who I used to be and who I am today. I was confident going into the middle of nowhere. Confident about my future, about who I am, and about what others see in me. But here I am not even two full days into this trip and I'm sitting here wondering how strong am I really? As I write this I am lying in my one person tent surrounded by things that represent a person. T-shirts with logos that say this person has volunteered, run races, held a job....this person participated in life. A phone that has numbers, pictures, e-mails, and messages....all stating that this person is involved in others lives. Books, pens, a knitting project, and a notebook exclaim that this person has hobbies that play into their deep thinking side. All these representations and none of them matter out here. The t-shirts with their many logos have no point if nobody else is around to see them. A phone has no way to reach out to others if it has no service. Hobbies are no good unless you can share what you've learned and created with others. So here this person sits stripped of everything that makes this persons life a life. When the realization hits that the things we participate in in life are not who we are it can be a hard one to swallow. Because here I am, unable to show others who I am, not many are here. Unable to be apart of anything, I'm in the middle of nowhere. Unable to prove that I even exist, because for the week I don't in civilization. So where does that leave me? Who am I stripped of everything that says I am me? An old ratty stuffed animal, that has clearly been through a lot, sits atop my sleeping bag, representing a past, my past. Some say I'm crazy for still carry around the faded animal, but every time I see him sitting there I'm reminded of how far I've come by the grace of God. And when your reminded of how far you've come you're also reminded of who you are. All the things here show a picture of who I am, they are not my identity. Out here in the middle of nowhere it becomes blatantly clear that everything we do in the real world does not make us who we are it is simply an act of who we are and where we have come from. So yes, even out here, without the ability to join in the activities of everyday life, I am still Laura the strong, thoughtful, and sarcastic woman.