Forgiveness. This is one intricate word that I have been trying to wrap my brain around for quite some time. Growing up I was told to forgive and forget. For most of my life I thought that I was a terrible person for not being able to forget some of the terrible deeds people had done to me. In turn I would feel guilty because, I could never master the act of forgiving.
It was actually this past year, after a roller coaster ride of events that I learned the true definition of forgiveness. I learned it as I was going to see a new councilor after moving down here to Georgia. I wasn't to thrilled to be going because, I personally don't genuinely like councilors. This one though knew exactly what she was doing. After spilling my angry and frustrated guts one day, I asked her how I was ever supposed to forgive the people that hurt me if I could never forget what they did to me.
She asked me one question. "Why do you think that you have to forget?" It had never once in my entire life crossed my mind that I would not have to forget. This was a revolutionary thought. She than went on to say that forgiving people means that we don't expect them to do anything for us. We don't expect them to apologize. We don't expect them to "make it up" in any way. We just let them and their problems go. This also means that we have to let go of the hurt and pain that they caused. Which is not something that just miraculously happens over night. It takes time and forgiving that person again and again. I asked her if I would ever be able to think about what people had done to me without my heart feeling like it was going to suffocate. She told me that yes someday I would be able to look back on my wound with no pain. As long as I truly am letting go of what that person/people did to wrong me. (This is one of the hardest things to do. It is possible though)
What does all this forgiveness stuff have to do with speaking boldly though? We all want/need acceptance. One thing that I have done plenty of, is stuff all my emotions and the things that people did to create those emotions down inside of me. Why? So that I could have a relationship with the people that hurt me. I love these people and I wanted acceptance from these people. I just hid myself so that these people would love and accept me back. It was than that I realized I wasn't happy with myself and my grudge against these people was growing. It was then that it hit me, part of forgiving them was to move past their little world. And part of moving past their little world was telling them why I was moving on.
It is not at all fair to a person when you just drop them right out of your life. There are still ex-friends of mine that I have no idea why we are not friends anymore. Part of it was probably because, they were to afraid to tell me why they didn't want to be my friend. Speaking up against or to people who have belittled us and swept us under the rug is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. But it is forgiveness. Saying, I forgive you, but I don't agree with you because of x y and z, is freeing, not only to yourself but to the person/people you are talking to. That way they know either why you are not going to talk to them anymore or what you stand for and what you are going to continue to stand for even if they don't like it.
Lets quickly jump back to the story of Peter. We find him having a very bad night of fishing a few days after his friend Jesus had died. In the dawn light, as Peter and his friends are drawing nearer to the shore, a man on the beach yells to them to put their fishing nets on the other side of the boat because that's where all the fish are. Now I fish and if we haven't caught anything after a couple of hours it's pretty much just a sign that we probably aren't going to be catching anything for the rest of the day. But Peter and his friends have been out all night and have caught nothing at all; all I can figure is that they must have been so lost in their grief they just had nothing better to do. Next thing you know they threw their nets out of their boat on the opposite side. Well it didn't take very long before their net was so heavy with fish they were struggling to bring it into the boat. There is a moment while they are all there trying to haul this monster catch into the boat when Peter's friend John mutters, "It's the Lord!" Upon hearing this Peter jumps into the sea and swims to shore.
Upon making it to the beach he realizes that Jesus had in fact risen from the dead. Peter and Jesus eat breakfast together and while they are doing this Jesus asks Peter three times over, "Do you love me?" Each time Peter feels guilty and upset as he says, "Yes of course I do." Finally Jesus smiles and said, "Tend to my people." In this instant Peter knows he is forgiven. He knows he is trusted again. And he knows he is accepted. For Jesus to ask Peter this could not have been easy. To tell somebody that you forgive them after they have denied you three times over takes a ton of boldness and courage.
Oh and for the record the phrase forgive and forget only applies to God.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Boldly and Courageously Speaking. The Issue (Part 1)
Glossophobia is the issue, when it comes to speaking up to people or in front of people. Statistically 75% of people have glossophobia. Thankfully this actually isn't a permanent problem. It's just a choice.
Why do this many people have a fear of speaking up? Fear. Fear of what others will feel, think, do, or say because of what you stood up and said. When I was 4 years old my dad taught me the verse Hosea 6:3. We had all these magnificent motions to go along with the words. I loved saying this verse for my parents because, they would clap and cheer for me. One Sunday morning my dad was talking about this verse. Spontaneously he asked me, a little doe eyed 4 year old to come up and say my verse in front of 100 people. Having never said it to anybody but, my parents I was terrified. I remember staring into blank stares as I slowly with allot of help from my dad, said the simple 4 little lines.
Starting at age 4 I was learning how to conquer the fear of speaking up. I moved through school being 100% fine with speaking in front of and to people. I was part of a speech competition where I moved to the finals. I went on missions trips where you have to speak to lots of people with lots of language barriers. Growing up as a pastors daughter meant that I would meet all kinds of people who I would have to be able to speak to without any fear. I was in plays. I had interviews. I had jobs. I'm not going to lie and say that I was never nervous but, once I started talking all of that disappeared and I would remember why I wasn't afraid to speak. Of course at age 4 my mom did get a little upset with my dad for making me speak in front of lots of people and I got an apology. Although now I am totally glad that I was given that experience at age 4 instead of age 9 or 10.
This past year I lost allot of things. Friends, family, home, jobs, sports, school. Pretty much everything that matters to a person was gone in one short summer. With the loss of everything came the fear of everything. Most of these fears have been replaced with peace now that I have had time to work through them. The other day I caught myself being afraid of speaking my mind. I realized that I don't want to lose anything that I have gained back. I started looking through my past year and realized that I have hidden parts of me that are important to me for the sake of acceptance and the feeling of comfort.
I realized that once again my issue was fear. So I asked myself what's the worst that could happen, if I spoke about what is truly important to me? I realized my fear wasn't completely irrational. I could quite possibly lose friends, family, jobs, etc. I quickly asked myself another question. What will happen if I don't speak up about what is truly important to me? More fear, guilt, desperation, confidence issues. The list could go on and on and on.
So like the homeschooled freak I am I talked to myself and told myself that I better figure out what I needed to do to fix this issue. There is a story about two men. One is the Ruler and Creator of everything and the other is an extremely close friend of his. The Creator tells his friend that he is going to die for him and that he is doing it out of love. His close friends gets frustrated and tells him no way is that happening, he would much rather die in his place. I can just see the Creator (Jesus) smirk at his friend (Peter) as he says. "Really?! You would die in my place?!" Since of course he knows everything I can just hear the pain as he tells Peter this. "Well guess what, you will not even acknowledge that you know me 3 times before tomorrow morning." He tells Peter this as they are eating dinner together.
I honestly don't know how I would feel if my best friend told me that she was going to die for me because, she loved me so much and than the next thing she tells me is that I am going to deny our friendship not once but 3 times over for my own selfish sake. That would be painful. I know part of me would get this smart alec response going. I would probably take it as a bet and say something like. "Yah right. I bet I can make it till tomorrow morning without just completely dissing you once!"
Sadly enough 5 chapters later in John 18 Peter completely denies Jesus 3 times over. He tells the people he is with that he doesn't even know the man. Peter is filled with shame and regret. He just denied that he even knew his closest friend. His friend that was about to go die for him. Why did he do it? He did it because, he was afraid for his own life, he wanted acceptance, he was grieving. There were allot of things stacked up against him. Why do we do it? I bet I could come up with a hundred excuses for why I don't speak my mind about hundreds of different issues. Excuses don't get us anywhere though because, we all always have a choice about everything that we do.
Plus there is this great thing called forgiveness....
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Homeschooled Freak
When I first started this post I was going to write silly and sarcastic things about homeschooling. Which is all good and well in its place but, I have decided to write about more important things about us normal homeschooled freaks. (Because although there are the homeschoolers that give us a bad name, there are also many many many homeschoolers that live completely normal lives.) So for you normal homeschoolers this is for you and to all you who are not or have never been homeschooled please listen up.
Most people have a weird outlook on homeschoolers. One that I seriously do not understand all the time. Some people have the idea that homeschoolers have hardly any homework, that we are super duper smart, that we are goody two-shoes, and that we have no life. Now most of the time this outlook on homeschoolers doesn't bother me I'll laugh at your stupid jokes about homeschoolers, I'll even make jokes with you. You have got to realize though that everything needs to be done in moderation. Let me show you why.
I have gone to a "normal" school for about half of my schooling years so please realize I do know what I am talking about. After 7th grade the teachers at the high school I was going to go to where not the best teachers. My mom and dad knew that they could teach better so we talked it over and decided that my high school years would be done at home. In the right place homeschooling is a beautiful thing. When both parents are able to be involved; you get personal teachers plus the freedom to do many other things. For example when I started my high school years I joined the ski team for my local high school and I also got myself a job. When people made jokes about me being homeschooled we would just laugh about it, because we all knew it was completely absurd. In that scenario the jokes weren't as harsh. My junior year lots happened. My life pretty much fell apart. My parents split up, I moved to a state where I literally knew nobody, I gave up my job, and ski team. My schooling was forgotten and my grades shot to the ground. People still made jokes about my schooling but, this time it actually hurt me, because for once they were actually right. I did have no life and I was heartbroken. I had two friends who although they had never been homeschooled, cared enough to call me and help me realize that although school seemed pointless at the time I was going to have to buckle down and teach myself. I am very thankful to these people because, I really don't think I would have made it through my junior year otherwise.
That is my highschool history with homeschooling and I know every person and scenario is different but, the jokes are the same and when they are used constantly it can wear a person down. One of the frustrating things to me is when people tell me I have got it easy because, man their school is tough. At least I don't have the stress of going to a "real" high school. O.K. Now I understand that your high school is tough and stressful. I really do. But at least you have teachers who TEACH. I don't care if they are terrible teachers and you don't understand what they are teaching. I know that in a school you can ALWAYS get help from someone if you really wanted to. Have you ever had to teach yourself every single class? I don't think people realize how stressful that can be. It takes allot of discipline to sit down and teach yourself a subject. You can't always just read a book and magically understand. Sometimes you have to research for hours until you understand something. It's not as easy as 1-2-3. I still have homework just like you; I don't just sit on my butt at home all day and do nothing like everybody seems to think I do. So yah go ahead and make your jokes about how I do nothing I'll laugh with you as long as you are able to ask how my school is really coming along. Or do you want to come study with me? Do you need help with anything? If you are not able to realize that, than just stop "joking." Cus after awhile it's hurtful not funny.
Another thing that seems to get diminished is a homeschoolers accomplishments. I have a 3.9 GPA. I am extremely proud of that. Now lots of people would laugh and say something like: "Those homeschoolers, always get good grades because of their parents." This is completely and utterly NOT true. I worked my butt of for that GPA. It actually seems to me to be worse when your parents grade your papers and tests because, you will be sitting there eating lunch and your mom will start grading tests.....let me tell you scariest moment of your life..haha Yes I have failed tests before. Yes I have gotten the lecture from my parents about how I need to get my grades up. Yes I stay up late studying. I never cheated my way through highschool and I wish people would say congratulations instead of oh yah its cus you are homeschooled. If I went to a public school my GPA would be the same. Yes it may be true that homeschoolers get better grades but, I think part of it is because, it takes allot of discipline to be homeschooled. Not because we know where mom and dad keep the answer books. We do apply ourselves and we do have to work for our grades.
When homeschooling is done correctly the homeschooler ends up having plenty for "normal" friends. Sometimes even more friends than "normal" people. One thing that helped me in MN was most of my friends knew me before I was homeschooled and if I met them while I was homeschooled it was usually in a context where there was a whole group of us and everybody knew I wasn't some kind of circus freak. Since moving down here I am meeting new people and that ends up being one of the first things that people learn about me. It's completely stupid but, I end up having to break down walls of freakdom that people build up. It's like when they hear I am homeschooled they make a joke about it and build up this wall that tells me: "Wow ok sheltered little smarty pants. Who thinks she knows everything but, she actually doesn't cus she lives at home and knows nothing about the "real" world." Next thing you know I am discouraged and have to little by little take down this wall until they understand that I am actually not what they first thought I was. That I am a "normal" person. I'm not some caged animal. Yes your right I do sit at home and do school during the day. Do I miss the interaction with friends and family? Yes absolutely. I really hate being at my house allot of the time by myself. Does this make me sheltered? No it just means I don't have the same environment down here in Georgia that I did in Minnesota.
Allot of people have been focusing on the bullying going on at schools which, I know if a really big deal because, I have a brother that is dealing with it. But I also think that we should pay attention to the homeschooled freaks. Instead of constantly joking with them about their "sheltered" life and how they do nothing at all lets take the time to truly understand them. I wish I could graduate and say proudly without any embarrassment that I graduated a homeschooler. Due to the fact that their is a ton of stigmas on homeschoolers that is a hard thing to be able to say with pride. So please next time you meet a homeschooler don't make some joke until they know that you think what they are doing is something to be proud of not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
Most people have a weird outlook on homeschoolers. One that I seriously do not understand all the time. Some people have the idea that homeschoolers have hardly any homework, that we are super duper smart, that we are goody two-shoes, and that we have no life. Now most of the time this outlook on homeschoolers doesn't bother me I'll laugh at your stupid jokes about homeschoolers, I'll even make jokes with you. You have got to realize though that everything needs to be done in moderation. Let me show you why.
I have gone to a "normal" school for about half of my schooling years so please realize I do know what I am talking about. After 7th grade the teachers at the high school I was going to go to where not the best teachers. My mom and dad knew that they could teach better so we talked it over and decided that my high school years would be done at home. In the right place homeschooling is a beautiful thing. When both parents are able to be involved; you get personal teachers plus the freedom to do many other things. For example when I started my high school years I joined the ski team for my local high school and I also got myself a job. When people made jokes about me being homeschooled we would just laugh about it, because we all knew it was completely absurd. In that scenario the jokes weren't as harsh. My junior year lots happened. My life pretty much fell apart. My parents split up, I moved to a state where I literally knew nobody, I gave up my job, and ski team. My schooling was forgotten and my grades shot to the ground. People still made jokes about my schooling but, this time it actually hurt me, because for once they were actually right. I did have no life and I was heartbroken. I had two friends who although they had never been homeschooled, cared enough to call me and help me realize that although school seemed pointless at the time I was going to have to buckle down and teach myself. I am very thankful to these people because, I really don't think I would have made it through my junior year otherwise.
That is my highschool history with homeschooling and I know every person and scenario is different but, the jokes are the same and when they are used constantly it can wear a person down. One of the frustrating things to me is when people tell me I have got it easy because, man their school is tough. At least I don't have the stress of going to a "real" high school. O.K. Now I understand that your high school is tough and stressful. I really do. But at least you have teachers who TEACH. I don't care if they are terrible teachers and you don't understand what they are teaching. I know that in a school you can ALWAYS get help from someone if you really wanted to. Have you ever had to teach yourself every single class? I don't think people realize how stressful that can be. It takes allot of discipline to sit down and teach yourself a subject. You can't always just read a book and magically understand. Sometimes you have to research for hours until you understand something. It's not as easy as 1-2-3. I still have homework just like you; I don't just sit on my butt at home all day and do nothing like everybody seems to think I do. So yah go ahead and make your jokes about how I do nothing I'll laugh with you as long as you are able to ask how my school is really coming along. Or do you want to come study with me? Do you need help with anything? If you are not able to realize that, than just stop "joking." Cus after awhile it's hurtful not funny.
Another thing that seems to get diminished is a homeschoolers accomplishments. I have a 3.9 GPA. I am extremely proud of that. Now lots of people would laugh and say something like: "Those homeschoolers, always get good grades because of their parents." This is completely and utterly NOT true. I worked my butt of for that GPA. It actually seems to me to be worse when your parents grade your papers and tests because, you will be sitting there eating lunch and your mom will start grading tests.....let me tell you scariest moment of your life..haha Yes I have failed tests before. Yes I have gotten the lecture from my parents about how I need to get my grades up. Yes I stay up late studying. I never cheated my way through highschool and I wish people would say congratulations instead of oh yah its cus you are homeschooled. If I went to a public school my GPA would be the same. Yes it may be true that homeschoolers get better grades but, I think part of it is because, it takes allot of discipline to be homeschooled. Not because we know where mom and dad keep the answer books. We do apply ourselves and we do have to work for our grades.
When homeschooling is done correctly the homeschooler ends up having plenty for "normal" friends. Sometimes even more friends than "normal" people. One thing that helped me in MN was most of my friends knew me before I was homeschooled and if I met them while I was homeschooled it was usually in a context where there was a whole group of us and everybody knew I wasn't some kind of circus freak. Since moving down here I am meeting new people and that ends up being one of the first things that people learn about me. It's completely stupid but, I end up having to break down walls of freakdom that people build up. It's like when they hear I am homeschooled they make a joke about it and build up this wall that tells me: "Wow ok sheltered little smarty pants. Who thinks she knows everything but, she actually doesn't cus she lives at home and knows nothing about the "real" world." Next thing you know I am discouraged and have to little by little take down this wall until they understand that I am actually not what they first thought I was. That I am a "normal" person. I'm not some caged animal. Yes your right I do sit at home and do school during the day. Do I miss the interaction with friends and family? Yes absolutely. I really hate being at my house allot of the time by myself. Does this make me sheltered? No it just means I don't have the same environment down here in Georgia that I did in Minnesota.
Allot of people have been focusing on the bullying going on at schools which, I know if a really big deal because, I have a brother that is dealing with it. But I also think that we should pay attention to the homeschooled freaks. Instead of constantly joking with them about their "sheltered" life and how they do nothing at all lets take the time to truly understand them. I wish I could graduate and say proudly without any embarrassment that I graduated a homeschooler. Due to the fact that their is a ton of stigmas on homeschoolers that is a hard thing to be able to say with pride. So please next time you meet a homeschooler don't make some joke until they know that you think what they are doing is something to be proud of not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Petty John's Cave
Petty John's Cave is one of the best places a human being can ever be in. It lets you be completely free. In every sense of the word. Free to climb,touch,run, and be completely stupid without people telling you that you are not allowed to do this and that. Free in the sense that it doesn't matter what you look like. Nothing matters but the thrill you get from climbing a mud covered rope 40 feet up or wiggling through holes and rocks just to see whats on the other side. It's a feeling that not very many people are willing to risk feeling. But those who are willing , truly know what it means to live life to the fullest.
Today was one of those amazing days. As I sit here writing this I am trying not to move due to the fact that almost every part of my body is bruised. Some would ask if looking and feeling like I got beat up is worth it and I would have to say......Heck yes!!! Let me start at the beginning and show you what I mean.
It's all about the thrill of doing things that push you to your limits and discovering things that hardly any people ever get to see. The ultimate goal for me and a bunch of others is to get to the discovery room. The discovery room is pretty much exactly what it implies....a discovery. Not very many people get to it due to the fact that it requires crazy amounts of stupidity to get there. But of course every time we go into the cave we go a little further and learn a little bit more so that someday soon we will get there.
Today we got to the echo room which was a room we had to learn how to get to so that ultimately we can get to the discovery room. Getting to this room requires a few things that I was not to pleased to have to do. After climbing down slippery rocks and ropes and going through some tight squeezes we made it to the worm tube. We have had quite a bit of rain lately so the cave water had risen quite a lot. Because of this the worm tube, which is a 100ft long tube that you have to lay flat on your belly and army crawl through, was filled with water. Now normally there is no water and crawling through it wouldn't have been a problem. But for some odd reason when a person has to lay down in a foot of muddy 50 degree water and swim/crawl through it with just their nose above the water it can be just a little nerve wracking. After starting and than backing right back out of the work tube I sat there at the entrance for a good 10min debating either facing my fear or just turning back with some of the others. I finally dove in, manned up, and made it through the tube with 2 others.
On the other side we found ourselves wet, slippery, and facing a 20 foot climb straight up a cliff of rocks with one muddy rope to haul ourselves up. When we finally made it up we were faced with a beautiful room called the echo room. It was a huge room with vaulted ceilings and an echoing sound affect. After climbing around for about an hour and a half looking for the exit to the next room we want to go to on our next trip we carved our names into the wall of the echo room and left to go back through the worm tube.
After another hour of struggling up rocks with our wet and slippery selves we finally met up with the rest of our group. And of course the light of day, which was a very beautiful sight after 6 hours in a dark cave. So no, I don't regret how I know I will feel tomorrow and no I do not regret being scared to death because, the thrill, adrenaline rush, pride and astonishment one gets from it is truly worth it!
And at the end of the day it makes me more confident in who I am and what this chick is made of. Which in my opinion is one of the best rewards to playing on God's jungle gym. Oh and I hear mud is good for the skin.....sooo I guess I got my adrenaline rush and beauty treatment done all in one shot.
Today was one of those amazing days. As I sit here writing this I am trying not to move due to the fact that almost every part of my body is bruised. Some would ask if looking and feeling like I got beat up is worth it and I would have to say......Heck yes!!! Let me start at the beginning and show you what I mean.
It's all about the thrill of doing things that push you to your limits and discovering things that hardly any people ever get to see. The ultimate goal for me and a bunch of others is to get to the discovery room. The discovery room is pretty much exactly what it implies....a discovery. Not very many people get to it due to the fact that it requires crazy amounts of stupidity to get there. But of course every time we go into the cave we go a little further and learn a little bit more so that someday soon we will get there.
Today we got to the echo room which was a room we had to learn how to get to so that ultimately we can get to the discovery room. Getting to this room requires a few things that I was not to pleased to have to do. After climbing down slippery rocks and ropes and going through some tight squeezes we made it to the worm tube. We have had quite a bit of rain lately so the cave water had risen quite a lot. Because of this the worm tube, which is a 100ft long tube that you have to lay flat on your belly and army crawl through, was filled with water. Now normally there is no water and crawling through it wouldn't have been a problem. But for some odd reason when a person has to lay down in a foot of muddy 50 degree water and swim/crawl through it with just their nose above the water it can be just a little nerve wracking. After starting and than backing right back out of the work tube I sat there at the entrance for a good 10min debating either facing my fear or just turning back with some of the others. I finally dove in, manned up, and made it through the tube with 2 others.
On the other side we found ourselves wet, slippery, and facing a 20 foot climb straight up a cliff of rocks with one muddy rope to haul ourselves up. When we finally made it up we were faced with a beautiful room called the echo room. It was a huge room with vaulted ceilings and an echoing sound affect. After climbing around for about an hour and a half looking for the exit to the next room we want to go to on our next trip we carved our names into the wall of the echo room and left to go back through the worm tube.
After another hour of struggling up rocks with our wet and slippery selves we finally met up with the rest of our group. And of course the light of day, which was a very beautiful sight after 6 hours in a dark cave. So no, I don't regret how I know I will feel tomorrow and no I do not regret being scared to death because, the thrill, adrenaline rush, pride and astonishment one gets from it is truly worth it!
And at the end of the day it makes me more confident in who I am and what this chick is made of. Which in my opinion is one of the best rewards to playing on God's jungle gym. Oh and I hear mud is good for the skin.....sooo I guess I got my adrenaline rush and beauty treatment done all in one shot.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Control
One thing that I have learned about myself this past year is that I am a controlling person. And I fully admit it because, I want to change that fact about myself. Not everyone is a controlling person so I will tell you what a controlling person does and why they do it. The controlling person does NOT like to feel out of control or like everything is falling apart. When this starts to happen the controlling person takes matters into his/her own hands. Meaning we will manipulate, actually tell people what they can and cannot do, and once that person thinks that what he thinks is right it is very hard to get him/her to listen or take in counsel that is actually very good.
In a nutshell that's about right. We like balance and if there is no balance we will do the total opposite just to bring balance to that situation. So guess what?! When you do the total opposite of what you think is causing a problem you end up being imbalanced yourself. Here's any example. Pretend we have a scale that is balanced and than all of a sudden somebody puts rocks in one side. What happens? One side goes up the other one goes down right? Ok so now pretend that those rocks are somebodies drama or something you do not agree with. What a controlling person tends to do is freak out that, that person is doing something "imbalanced" so they rush to fix that problem but, in or to fix it that have to meet that extreme with another extreme. Just to "balance" out the relationship or problem.
One thing I have learned recently and throughout the year as well, is that control is an illusion. We cannot control anybody. End of story. Control makes people feel safe and secure. Think about it if everything is in order and the way a person wants it, it makes one feel content and secure. If all of a sudden it happens that something goes awry, (and in life this does happen) controlling people and just people in general tend to freak out. Once we freak out we will try and fix that person or problem. For the past year or two I have been trying and trying to fix my life. Or should I say the people that are in my life.
But as I said before it is all an illusion. So what should we do to stop our lives from being an illusion that ends up destroying us as a person? We let it go! We only take responsibilities that are ours. If a person needs help we can help that person without dragging ourselves down. As long as we are helping that person and NOT making it our obsession. If it is constantly taking up our thoughts and we constantly feel like fixing it. We are probably controlling that person. And if we take a closer look at ourselves it can tend to be a selfish motive that is making us want to "help" that person.
I guess what I am trying to say is that we are human beings who are selfish plain and simple. We want things to be fine and dandy and if someone in our life all of a sudden messes that up we want to jump in and fix that person for our own benefit. So that WE will feel secure and happy again. Lets stop this madness and let go. Let us take upon ourselves our own responsibilities and leave others alone. If that persons choice affects us we need to learn how to be selfless and change with the change. Staying true to yourself if more important that controlling somebodies life, which in the end destroys your. Control is an illusion.
In a nutshell that's about right. We like balance and if there is no balance we will do the total opposite just to bring balance to that situation. So guess what?! When you do the total opposite of what you think is causing a problem you end up being imbalanced yourself. Here's any example. Pretend we have a scale that is balanced and than all of a sudden somebody puts rocks in one side. What happens? One side goes up the other one goes down right? Ok so now pretend that those rocks are somebodies drama or something you do not agree with. What a controlling person tends to do is freak out that, that person is doing something "imbalanced" so they rush to fix that problem but, in or to fix it that have to meet that extreme with another extreme. Just to "balance" out the relationship or problem.
One thing I have learned recently and throughout the year as well, is that control is an illusion. We cannot control anybody. End of story. Control makes people feel safe and secure. Think about it if everything is in order and the way a person wants it, it makes one feel content and secure. If all of a sudden it happens that something goes awry, (and in life this does happen) controlling people and just people in general tend to freak out. Once we freak out we will try and fix that person or problem. For the past year or two I have been trying and trying to fix my life. Or should I say the people that are in my life.
But as I said before it is all an illusion. So what should we do to stop our lives from being an illusion that ends up destroying us as a person? We let it go! We only take responsibilities that are ours. If a person needs help we can help that person without dragging ourselves down. As long as we are helping that person and NOT making it our obsession. If it is constantly taking up our thoughts and we constantly feel like fixing it. We are probably controlling that person. And if we take a closer look at ourselves it can tend to be a selfish motive that is making us want to "help" that person.
I guess what I am trying to say is that we are human beings who are selfish plain and simple. We want things to be fine and dandy and if someone in our life all of a sudden messes that up we want to jump in and fix that person for our own benefit. So that WE will feel secure and happy again. Lets stop this madness and let go. Let us take upon ourselves our own responsibilities and leave others alone. If that persons choice affects us we need to learn how to be selfless and change with the change. Staying true to yourself if more important that controlling somebodies life, which in the end destroys your. Control is an illusion.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Music
Over the past year I know I have said thank you to allot of people for being there for me and standing by my side, through everything this past year. I could not have done it without them, but there is a part of all of us that can't always go to people for help. Some things just cannot be explained to people. You try but, nobody actually knows how you feel. I have come up against this problem time and time again this year where my pain was to great for words. There was no way I could explain it to God or people. Although I know that God knew exactly how I felt, we as people need to have a way to eventually release what we are feeling. It happens eventually one way or another.
One thing that I found that expressed how I was feeling was music. Most of the time not the lyrics in the song but, the music itself. I enjoy going to the symphony, the reason that I enjoy it so much is because, it doesn't have lyrics but, I can guarantee that each composer had a reason they wrote that particular piece. As I sit there in the dark listening to the glorious sound I think up reason why that certain composer decided to make that music. I make up stories for each of the pieces. Most of the time when the piece is over the director will tell you why that composer wrote that piece. I love it because, when I hear the composers story I know exactly how he feels about music. It's a way to express himself and how he feels about anything.
That's what I love about music, how you can play any feeling. This past year I have definitely retreated to music time and time again. About half time I listen to music and the other half is me playing music. When I sit down at the piano to play, I swear my very soul plays. I most definitely play for fun, but the most vivid memories of myself playing are when I am so broken I can't take it anymore. When I can't talk anymore because, I myself don't even know how to explain what is going on deep inside my soul. I sit there and I just play. Sometimes it is random, something I make up to match how I feel. Other times it is music that is already written, that just matches how I feel. As I play though I can't really explain it but, everything else seems to fade away it's just me, the music, and Jesus. I think he's one of the only people who truly understands exactly what we are expressing in our music.
While listening to music does not provoke the same feelings as playing does it still helps keep me sane and I love it because, it is still is describing how I feel. It feels like someone else knows how I feel. Like when somebody says to you, I know how you feel and you know they really truly do know how you feel. That's what listening to music does for me. Some people ask me what bands or type of bands are my favorite to listen to. Honestly I don't think I have one band I listen to more than any other. There is also not one type of music that takes the top as my favorite type. It honestly depends on my mood. I listen to everything. My Pandora account has every type of music and honestly I don't really think I listen to one more than another.
This year for Christmas I asked for a guitar. To me learning how to play the guitar won't be just learning how to play the guitar. It is almost like opening up my soul to a new chapter in life. I survived a dark year, now it is time to celebrate and learn how to play more music. Learn how to trust more. Learn how to live more. Learn how to fear less. Learn how to love more. I am actually ready and excited to tackle this new year ahead. Just like I am ready and excited to tackle this new feat of playing the guitar.
"Where words fail, music speaks."
-Hans Christian Anderson
"Music washes away from the soul,
the dust of everyday life."
-Red Auerbach
"Music is what feelings sound like."
-Author Unknown
"Music is an outburst of the soul."
-Frederick Delius
"Music is what life sounds like."
-Eric Olson
One thing that I found that expressed how I was feeling was music. Most of the time not the lyrics in the song but, the music itself. I enjoy going to the symphony, the reason that I enjoy it so much is because, it doesn't have lyrics but, I can guarantee that each composer had a reason they wrote that particular piece. As I sit there in the dark listening to the glorious sound I think up reason why that certain composer decided to make that music. I make up stories for each of the pieces. Most of the time when the piece is over the director will tell you why that composer wrote that piece. I love it because, when I hear the composers story I know exactly how he feels about music. It's a way to express himself and how he feels about anything.
That's what I love about music, how you can play any feeling. This past year I have definitely retreated to music time and time again. About half time I listen to music and the other half is me playing music. When I sit down at the piano to play, I swear my very soul plays. I most definitely play for fun, but the most vivid memories of myself playing are when I am so broken I can't take it anymore. When I can't talk anymore because, I myself don't even know how to explain what is going on deep inside my soul. I sit there and I just play. Sometimes it is random, something I make up to match how I feel. Other times it is music that is already written, that just matches how I feel. As I play though I can't really explain it but, everything else seems to fade away it's just me, the music, and Jesus. I think he's one of the only people who truly understands exactly what we are expressing in our music.
While listening to music does not provoke the same feelings as playing does it still helps keep me sane and I love it because, it is still is describing how I feel. It feels like someone else knows how I feel. Like when somebody says to you, I know how you feel and you know they really truly do know how you feel. That's what listening to music does for me. Some people ask me what bands or type of bands are my favorite to listen to. Honestly I don't think I have one band I listen to more than any other. There is also not one type of music that takes the top as my favorite type. It honestly depends on my mood. I listen to everything. My Pandora account has every type of music and honestly I don't really think I listen to one more than another.
This year for Christmas I asked for a guitar. To me learning how to play the guitar won't be just learning how to play the guitar. It is almost like opening up my soul to a new chapter in life. I survived a dark year, now it is time to celebrate and learn how to play more music. Learn how to trust more. Learn how to live more. Learn how to fear less. Learn how to love more. I am actually ready and excited to tackle this new year ahead. Just like I am ready and excited to tackle this new feat of playing the guitar.
"Where words fail, music speaks."
-Hans Christian Anderson
"Music washes away from the soul,
the dust of everyday life."
-Red Auerbach
"Music is what feelings sound like."
-Author Unknown
"Music is an outburst of the soul."
-Frederick Delius
"Music is what life sounds like."
-Eric Olson
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
21 Inches.
Ever since I was a little girl I have had long long hair. I have also grown up with a mom who loves to do long long hair. That meant sitting still in front of my mom countless times as she did my hair with ribbons, braids, barretts, scrunchies, and headbands. I loved it! My favorite hairstyle that she would do took the longest but, it looked the best in my opinion. She would french braid the top of my hair going right to the other side. It was kind of like a backwards half-up hair style. It was so unique and none of my friends ever had that hairstyle!
Now you would expect that with a mother that is into hair and fashion that I would pick up on some of that?! Right?! It took me till I was probably 10 to become interested in hair and fashion (matching my clothes...apparently you can't do red and pink...) I still remember to this day the day that I became really interested in hair I was at my friends house and we were playing with these Barbie dolls that had really long hair. Well she could braid it and I couldn't! I was so jealous that I had her teach me and than I had my mom teach me how to french braid. Which didn't work to well at first.
Once I understood the importance of hair I started thinking about how awful it would be to lose all my hair. Seriously guys my hair I love it sooo much that I think I would almost rather die of cancer than have to do chemo and lose my hair. Once I thought of that fear, I started thinking about all the girls that did have cancer and did lose all their hair. I don't exactly remember how it all happened but, me and my aunts decided to have a girls weekend and we went to the hair salon and I got my hair cut off to my ears. (It was originally at my butt) It was very very short and I had an ugly bob that you couldn't do anything with but, the thought that some girl could have waist length real hair made me happy.
Of course a few years later my hair was very long again and that was when I learned that a wig that is made out of real hair only last about 2-3 years if taken care of properly. So back to the hair salon I went. This time I made sure I didn't get it completely chopped off but, quite a bit still had to come off. For the past two years I have been growing it out once again. It is finally what I would say is long again! I measured it the other day and I have 21 inches of long lushes Swedish locks. I have a feeling that I'm going to get the urge to cut it off again before college...maybe....
Of course it's not long enough for me yet but, it is most definitely getting there! Which is exciting. This time around I have done a few things differently to get my hair to grow faster. The first thing I did was move to GA, it is much more humid down here than in MN and I noticed that my hair does in fact grow much faster down here. It never grew slow before but, it never went THIS fast. The second thing that I do is I wash it less. I usually go about 3 or 4 days without washing it! Braids come in very handy on days three and four. Another thing I do is I blow dry it once every two weeks. Just once and that usually gives me about 4 or 5 days of no washing! Yay! That is good for your hair! The other times though I just let it dry on its own with mousse in it and it last usually about 3 days of no washing. The last thing that I do that seems to work like magic...is coconut oil. I love that stuff! I put it in my hair usually once or twice a month and the difference it makes in incredible! So below is the step by step and the products I use.
1) Move to a tropical location....I'm not gonna recommend GA. ;)
2) If you can't move to a tropical location....coconut oil!! You just need about a handful and massage it through your hair until it looks wet. Let it sit there for like 30 min. Than my least favorite part...wash it out with shampoo in cold water! :( I usually do this at night cus it doesn't all come out. I blow dry it till it is mostly dry. Than in the morning I wash my hair like normal dry is and bam you have the softest hair EVER!!
3) Wash your hair as little as possible!
4) Let your hair air dry! I have wavy hair so I put some mousse in it. It helps keep the frizz away and just gives it a beachy look. DON'T EVER TOUCH YOUR HAIR WELL IT IS DRYING!
Now you would expect that with a mother that is into hair and fashion that I would pick up on some of that?! Right?! It took me till I was probably 10 to become interested in hair and fashion (matching my clothes...apparently you can't do red and pink...) I still remember to this day the day that I became really interested in hair I was at my friends house and we were playing with these Barbie dolls that had really long hair. Well she could braid it and I couldn't! I was so jealous that I had her teach me and than I had my mom teach me how to french braid. Which didn't work to well at first.
Once I understood the importance of hair I started thinking about how awful it would be to lose all my hair. Seriously guys my hair I love it sooo much that I think I would almost rather die of cancer than have to do chemo and lose my hair. Once I thought of that fear, I started thinking about all the girls that did have cancer and did lose all their hair. I don't exactly remember how it all happened but, me and my aunts decided to have a girls weekend and we went to the hair salon and I got my hair cut off to my ears. (It was originally at my butt) It was very very short and I had an ugly bob that you couldn't do anything with but, the thought that some girl could have waist length real hair made me happy.
Of course a few years later my hair was very long again and that was when I learned that a wig that is made out of real hair only last about 2-3 years if taken care of properly. So back to the hair salon I went. This time I made sure I didn't get it completely chopped off but, quite a bit still had to come off. For the past two years I have been growing it out once again. It is finally what I would say is long again! I measured it the other day and I have 21 inches of long lushes Swedish locks. I have a feeling that I'm going to get the urge to cut it off again before college...maybe....
1) Move to a tropical location....I'm not gonna recommend GA. ;)
4) Let your hair air dry! I have wavy hair so I put some mousse in it. It helps keep the frizz away and just gives it a beachy look. DON'T EVER TOUCH YOUR HAIR WELL IT IS DRYING!
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